There were a few events in high school that really made it awful.
The first was a church retreat. I was incredibly blessed to be chosen to attend a leadership conference in Kansas with only 5 other people. Not many people are chosen to go as sophomores in high school, but I was. I was so excited. When we got there, it was very clear that I did not fit in. There was a clique of "popular kids" at church, and all of these kids were them. I clearly did not fit in. The first day that we were there, we played soccer, and one of the boys accidentally kicked me directly in the ankle at full force. It hurt incredibly bad, and was very difficult to walk on. Well, we were not allowed to be alone, and we were there in Kansas for a week. Everyone constantly wanted to go hiking, so I was forced to walk so much. What made it worse was the fact that they would all walk ahead of me. I could not walk fast, and they all would just go ahead of me. One night at reflections, they confronted the fact that my boyfriend, at the time, was an atheist. The worst part of the week was when we all got in line for food. I got a call from one of the leaders, and was asked to get everyone to bring their bags to save seats for a session. Instead of losing our spot in line, I took all of our bags up. I went back in, waited in line for food, and went back to their table, but all of them left. They all left me there to eat by myself after I took their bags for them. I was so incredibly upset after that. All I wanted was to go home, but we ended up missing our flight in South Carolina, so we had to stay another night. I absolutely loved the church, and after that, I stopped going.
The second was during my senior year. Since my freshman year, there was a girl in our FFA chapter who was absolutely destined to be president. Everyone firmly believed that this girl was going to get it. The day of interviews, during ninth period, she told me "someone told me today that interviews are pointless because I'm just going to get president, anyway." Well, the problem was that I had spent the last three years of my life falling in love with the National FFA Organization, Agriculture, and our members, and apparently my passion shined through in the interviews, because I got it. I was the president of the Cumberland Valley FFA Chapter, and she hated me. She did not spend much time getting to know the members in the chapter, but she did have 5 very close friends who also hated me. What was really ironic was that those 5 friends were the other 5 officers on the team. They were nasty. She went against everything that I said. I often went home crying because they were so difficult to deal with. It was absolutely awful. What was worse was that very few of the officers did their jobs. She and I were the only ones to complete every duty required of us, and there was only one other officer who helped at all. The other 4 did not even try. The girl who did not get the position she desired did her job, spectacularly, but she only did her job. So, I was often doing the jobs of six people. It was absolutely dreadful. I was working 27 hours a week, struggling at home, and then having issues with the one place that I truly enjoyed.
Another minor issue was work. I really struggled at work because they hired a manager who was very awful. She went completely by the book and had absolutely nothing nice to say to anybody. I was always scheduled for her shifts, and she made it torture. She would follow me and tell me that I was doing nothing right. She would stand at the end of the aisle, with her hands on her hips, and watch me. She would put me on drive-thru, completely alone, as punishment. She took away our ability to eat food while we worked. Often times, I would work over dinner, so I would not be able to eat, unless I grabbed a few nuggets at work. She took that away. Only managers got free food, and she made sure to eat her free managers food right in front of us. One night, I went outside on my break and cried for half an hour. I wanted to quit so badly, but I didn't. I became so good at multi-tasking because of her that they often abused my abilities and I would be so stressed to the point of tears almost every shift. A lot of times, unreliable people would be scheduled to work, and I would have to go in to shifts of 5-6 people where there should be 8-11 people. Once, I completely operated the drive-thru by myself for an hour, during a rush period, doing everything except making sandwiches. I was taking orders, collecting money, making drinks, preparing fries and nuggets, and bagging orders. It was incredibly difficult and stressful.
I was also having a really hard time at home. At the time, I really was frustrated at my parents and felt that they just hated me, but looking back, I believe that we were all stressed out. My dad lost his job, so they did not have a lot of money at all. My brother is very hard to please because he likes expensive things, so my parents and I did not get along. I could not get student loans for college, so I wanted to take a year off and work so that I could earn money. They strongly disagreed, and actually almost kicked me out of the house because I said that I wanted to take a year off. Because of that, they believed that I had no motivation, and even told me that if I took a year off, I would go nowhere with my life. The other day, I brought up the fact that I should've taken a year off. My brother called me stupid, but my mom actually stood up for me. I think she, too, realized that I love learning. I did not want to take a year off and be lazy. I needed the money and the work experience. We are still struggling, now, and that money really would have helped.
The last issue was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. In my good blog, you will read about the three guys who I fell in love with and the greatest times of my life and all of that shit. Well, here, I want to tell you about how it all ended. One of them became too attached and was boarder-line stalking me. He would follow my bus to school, wait for me after work, and text me constantly. I slowly distanced myself from him and hung out with the other two more. One night, he called me. He was suicidal, and I talked him out of it. We were up until almost one in the morning, discussing why he should not kill himself. He seemed okay. The very next night, he called me again. I asked him why he wanted to kill himself, and he said that it was because I was stealing his friends. If I continued hanging out with them, he was going to kill himself. By this point, these two guys were the only friends I had ever truly had. They hung out with me, they made me so incredibly happy, and they cared about me. I cared about them. They meant the world to me. I got a ride home with one of them the day after that conversation. I told him that we could not talk anymore. Two days later, I called the other one and told him the same thing. It was all over. We all were angry. I told people I hated them, and they did the same. They said they didn't care if they never talked to me again. It was all over. I lost the three only true best friends I had ever had just like that.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Public School: Middle School
Middle school was the worst. Half of the elementary schools in the district came together into one school. Recess was shorter. There were more girls.
Recess went away. That meant no more football. That meant I did not have my guy friends anymore. That meant I had nobody. The girls who despised me in elementary school multiplied in middle school and never forgot their ill feelings. I was absolutely tormented for my appearance every day.
Sixth grade was really unexpected because this was the worst bullying I had ever experienced. The bus was the worst part. The girls who rode my bus really did not like me at all. They were popular, so they even got the guys who were my friends to stand by as they hurt me. Sometimes, it was physical. What really hurt was the words, though. They could trip and push me, knock my books out of my hands in the hallway, but what hurt was the numerous, numerous times they called me ugly, fat, disgusting. I remember walking to the bus, one day, and grabbing a cupcake from my friend's mom who drove bus. I walked onto my bus and started to eat the cupcake. I will never forget one of the girls getting on the bus and saying "do you really think you need another cupcake?" and the whole bus laughing.
This lasted three years. While everyone else was dating and having crushes on people, I was very alone because the more I heard that I was ugly, the more I believed it. My mom called the principal about the bullying, but there was not much they could do about almost the entire grade hating me.
In eighth grade, I fell into the darkest depression I have ever been in. I really believe that this is where several of my mental disorders come from (anxiety, depression, more pronounced ADHD). I experienced suicidal thoughts and slight tendencies. After three years, this all had really messed me up.
The words and flashbacks from middle school still cripple me each time I go shopping and occasionally when I am getting ready in the morning. When I try to buy clothing, any time that I see myself in the mirror, I just remember those stinging words. I will never, ever be able to call myself beautiful because of the idea of being ugly that was branded into my brain. All I see when I look in the mirror as I shop, when I get out of the shower, and occasionally as I am getting ready in the morning, is a fat, ugly, unlovable person.
Recess went away. That meant no more football. That meant I did not have my guy friends anymore. That meant I had nobody. The girls who despised me in elementary school multiplied in middle school and never forgot their ill feelings. I was absolutely tormented for my appearance every day.
Sixth grade was really unexpected because this was the worst bullying I had ever experienced. The bus was the worst part. The girls who rode my bus really did not like me at all. They were popular, so they even got the guys who were my friends to stand by as they hurt me. Sometimes, it was physical. What really hurt was the words, though. They could trip and push me, knock my books out of my hands in the hallway, but what hurt was the numerous, numerous times they called me ugly, fat, disgusting. I remember walking to the bus, one day, and grabbing a cupcake from my friend's mom who drove bus. I walked onto my bus and started to eat the cupcake. I will never forget one of the girls getting on the bus and saying "do you really think you need another cupcake?" and the whole bus laughing.
This lasted three years. While everyone else was dating and having crushes on people, I was very alone because the more I heard that I was ugly, the more I believed it. My mom called the principal about the bullying, but there was not much they could do about almost the entire grade hating me.
In eighth grade, I fell into the darkest depression I have ever been in. I really believe that this is where several of my mental disorders come from (anxiety, depression, more pronounced ADHD). I experienced suicidal thoughts and slight tendencies. After three years, this all had really messed me up.
The words and flashbacks from middle school still cripple me each time I go shopping and occasionally when I am getting ready in the morning. When I try to buy clothing, any time that I see myself in the mirror, I just remember those stinging words. I will never, ever be able to call myself beautiful because of the idea of being ugly that was branded into my brain. All I see when I look in the mirror as I shop, when I get out of the shower, and occasionally as I am getting ready in the morning, is a fat, ugly, unlovable person.
Public School
In fourth grade, my parents switched my brother and I into public school. I knew one girl at school from church, and we had last names that were similar in the alphabet, so we were in homeroom together. I became friends with she and her best friend, and I had already made two friends on the first day.
During recess, I noticed that almost all of the boys played football. I knew one of the boys because he lived in my neighborhood, so I asked them to play. For the first couple of weeks, I was chosen last and never passed the ball. But, one time, somebody passed me the ball, or I intercepted it, or something, and from then on, I became pretty good.
The problem with that was that the girls did not appreciate me playing with the guys. By being literally the only girl who played, I became a target of more bullying. I had a huge crush on one of the boys that I played football with, and they all told him. They all teased me about it.
I knew that it was not going to get any easier when I landed the role of Mozart in the fifth grade play and all of the girls made fun of me. I had a solo that I had to sing in front of everyone. I ended up speaking my solo because I was terrified of being made fun of after being ridiculed during practice.
Elementary school was manageable though. Middle school was where things got bad.
During recess, I noticed that almost all of the boys played football. I knew one of the boys because he lived in my neighborhood, so I asked them to play. For the first couple of weeks, I was chosen last and never passed the ball. But, one time, somebody passed me the ball, or I intercepted it, or something, and from then on, I became pretty good.
The problem with that was that the girls did not appreciate me playing with the guys. By being literally the only girl who played, I became a target of more bullying. I had a huge crush on one of the boys that I played football with, and they all told him. They all teased me about it.
I knew that it was not going to get any easier when I landed the role of Mozart in the fifth grade play and all of the girls made fun of me. I had a solo that I had to sing in front of everyone. I ended up speaking my solo because I was terrified of being made fun of after being ridiculed during practice.
Elementary school was manageable though. Middle school was where things got bad.
Earliest Memories
From Kindergarten through third grade, I attended a private school called St. Patrick's. I really only had a small group of friends at school. There were three of us: Caitlyn, Lily, and I. We were inseparable! We had sleepovers all the time, and we were truly best friends. I remember going to Caitlyn's house for parties and sleepovers. It was amazing. But, Lily drifted away. She became friends with girls who were really mean to me. Lily started to make fun of me along with the girls and they would not let me play with them.
My first grade teacher was also absolutely awful. Her name was Mrs. Brown and I will never forget her. All I can remember from her class was being called up to her desk numerous times and being scolded in front of the class for absolutely no reason. She even called my parents and told them that I was not to be trusted because when she yelled at me, I would rock back and forth on my heels. I remember one time being punished for some reason and having to sit out of recess. I was bored and had to sit in the grass and watch the other kids play. I reached down and was pulling strands of grass from the ground, and the teaching aid that was watching me told me that I had to sit out another ten minutes for pulling the grass out of the ground. This was the same teaching aid who I vividly remember standing at Mrs. Brown's desk and hearing the two whisper about and laugh at me.
Caitlyn switched to public school in second grade. I do not remember much from second or third grade except spending a great deal of time in the "guidance office," which was a trailer out back of the school because the bullying got worse. I only had two friends when I left the school. They were the two guys who were also outsiders. Instead of sitting alone we would have pretend sword fights at recess.
This was the beginning.
My first grade teacher was also absolutely awful. Her name was Mrs. Brown and I will never forget her. All I can remember from her class was being called up to her desk numerous times and being scolded in front of the class for absolutely no reason. She even called my parents and told them that I was not to be trusted because when she yelled at me, I would rock back and forth on my heels. I remember one time being punished for some reason and having to sit out of recess. I was bored and had to sit in the grass and watch the other kids play. I reached down and was pulling strands of grass from the ground, and the teaching aid that was watching me told me that I had to sit out another ten minutes for pulling the grass out of the ground. This was the same teaching aid who I vividly remember standing at Mrs. Brown's desk and hearing the two whisper about and laugh at me.
Caitlyn switched to public school in second grade. I do not remember much from second or third grade except spending a great deal of time in the "guidance office," which was a trailer out back of the school because the bullying got worse. I only had two friends when I left the school. They were the two guys who were also outsiders. Instead of sitting alone we would have pretend sword fights at recess.
This was the beginning.
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